Charlie Clone

Welcome to Charlie Clone's All Action Figure Revue at SWAFT.info! I'm your host, Charlie Clone!

Arrr, thar, matey! Thar be a Pirate Play Set on deck today...rrrrr! This curiosity was donated by a generous smuggler named Betsy for the purposes of being most notoriously reviewed by yours truly, the infamous and dreaded Captain Charles "Orange Britches" Clone. Like many a familiar figure here, this nautical nicety has been shipped across the green seas by the merchant fleet of Greenbrierrrrr International, Inc. of 500 Volvo Parkway, nestled in the harbors of the Chesapeake, in the land of the Virgin. As a wise old salt might expect, it was crafted by land-lubbering Chinamen of the Far East. It be not for lads or lasses having less years than three. (Although it be doubtful how suited it is for children over that age, as well.)

Given the vastly successful trade venture of Walt Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean exports, it be only natural that dollar stores would hire a crew of privateers themselves. Thusly, the Pirate Play Set franchise set sail...and in variety no less. This be just one of many kinds, though unkindly it may be. I like to call him Harpo the Harpooneer, given a vague resemblance he bears to a Marx brother similarly taxonified, but it may well be an appellation misapplied as there be no harpoons contained therein. Rather, he would appear to be the ship's lookout from his most curious posture, or perhaps a marooned member of a crew. Judging by the notably egregious wear of his threadbare clothes, he may merely be looking out for unlikely rescuers. That, or he is the crewmember of an superlatively lamentable and unfortunate vessel.

Standing under two-inches high, Harpo could be easily overlooked by toys built on a grander scale. Fortunately, his accessories give him a wee bit of enhancement regarding his longitude, and the manufacturers do indeed try to impress the eye of would-be buyers with a plethora of items in a single package.

ACCESSORIES:

Harpo has indeed been industrious during his ill-fated sojourn, for he's constructed a shelter of sorts, a watchtower bungalow, suitable spying for passing ships or entertaining indigenous peoples. A fearless sort and unafraid of the infringing arm of the law, Harpo has boldly set a waving skull and crossbones above his roof, high in the air so any passer-by may see it. He has also made for himself a little detachable ladder with which to climb into his hideaway. When not perched in his post, Harpo also appears to enjoy studying the local flora, twinning palm trees. And, of course, being the scurvy pirate that he is, Harpo has managed to steal a barrel of grog, better to ease his forlorn solitude. Full of bravado, Harpo wields no weapons (other than perhaps the knife on the side of his leg).

FEATURES: For Harpo, the pirate's life is full love of the sea, and, thus, it is a spartan existence. In need of no fancy airs or finery, Harpo does not fixate on innovative novelties. Simple paint applications to his person (blonde hair, a red knit cap, tattered shirt and pants, and bulging eyes) are all he permits in the way of frills. He needs no articulation, save the flag upon his roof. Thusly, there be little in the way of features to expostulate upon.

PLAY VALUE:

As a stand alone toy, there be not much for this sole scalawag to do. He can perhaps walk up and down his ladder, or nap by his palms. By himself, Harpo is about as much fun as watching Tom Hanks strut about a desert island reinventing fire.

Your little sea rats will probably be needing more than just Harpo to amuse themselves for long.

Given his height, he might be useful as some kind of dwarf or hobbit, albeit, a poor, down-on-his-luck one given his raggy exterior. Maybe his hut could be cannibalized for an ewok post.

Other than such extenuations, cabin boys will be mostly left to imagine Harpo's unlikely hopes sinking into dismal despair as he slowly realizes that no ship is coming to his forsaken isle. Fortunately, children will be able to relieve him of his worldly cares by drowning his sorrows in that keg of rum or having him succumb most tragically to madness. You can see the lunacy just surfacing in the pronounced whites of his eyes. 

Ah, how the cruelty of the world can be assuaged by the soothing caress of oblivion! A valuable lesson that, and one whose educational value is sure to supercede whatever recreational benefits your little scalawags will receive!

Until next time... --Charlie Clone