Charlie Clone's All Action Figure Revue 13: Special Designed Fire Rescue

I'm not quite sure what makes him "Special Designed." It rather sounds like a politically-correct euphemism (and a dubious use of the past participle).

As with most cheap...er...economically-priced figures, I find I am most disturbed not so much with the toy itself as with its packaging. For instance, take a good look at the graphics at the top of the page.

At first, one sees firefighters busy at the work of rescue. But what are they rescuing? The fire's victims are conspicuously absent. Also, the fire seems to be engulfing some kind of colonial beach house. But where is the fire fighter shooting his hose? The only part of the house NOT erupting in flames. As fire bursts through windows and rages across the front lawn, the incomplete arc of water squirting from the fireman's hose is directed at the completely unaffected side of the house! Further afield we see that, in fact, the entire street is being swallowed by a billowing fireball! Meanwhile, the other firefighter, who is looking down and facing away from the entire scene, appears to be inspecting a smouldering crockpot! This is gross negligence! Someone at the SSFFD really needs to reconsider their training program (the SSFFD is the South San Francisco Fire Department...if I were them, I'd be considering a libel suit)! Still further on, a firetruck is hosing down the opposite side of the street where there appears to be nothing but dead trees.

Might it be that these firemen are just a little too incompetent for it to be a mistake...

Who could be responsible for such a dastardly act of pyromaniacism, and such glaring neglect on the part of fire rescue officials?

There is a clue provided in the furthest background. Contrasted against the quaint rooftops of the beachhouse is a series of highrises. Clearly, a sinister and nefarious corporation has been eyeing the now-blazing property for some time. Perhaps they offered the owners a reasonable sum for the land...enough to leave the elderly couple with a modest retirement income. But, alas, the owners had to refuse! They loved their home, and they weren't going to sell out their lifelong dreams for quick cash. Little did they suspect they would be the victims of arson, nor did they realize that the SSFFD had been bought off by the greedy fat cats in the glass towers beyond who preferred a more expeditious means of acquiring the land than a lengthy eminent domain suit...

Oh, yes, this Fire Rescue has been "Special Designed" all right...special designed all the way to the top.

Now, the old folks' dreams lay in ruin, burnt to cinders by big business wanting to convert their cherished home into a shoreline casino...

This courageous firefighter comes with four pyrocentric accessories. First, there is one crazy-looking euro-style fire hydrant. It kind of reminds me of those rubber puppet robots that you squeeze to make their eyes and ears pop out. I sure hope the firefighter is trained to look for these things, because, I have to tell you, I'm not sure I'd know to stick my hose to one even if I saw it in roaming about in its natural habitat.

Next up, the hazard cone. Granted, a toy hazard cone does have some potential, but it's relevance to the set is somewhat questionable. It might be red, but it's not exactly the first piece of equipment I'd run to in the event of a fire. "What? My house is on fire! I better set up some hazard cones so everyone knows to stay back!"

I guess these things are handy in real life to prevent motorists from barrelling into a stopped emergency vehicle, but is a three year old really going to be savvy enough to lay these things down if he is caught up in the action of playing Fire Rescue?

Still, if I was forced to give one and only one reason to pick up a Special Designed Fire Rescue, it would be for the sheer comic value of the Engrish rabers...err...labels on the accessories.

Check this out...the fire extinguisher wisely warns the would-be wielder: DON'T SMOKING.

The grammarian inside me shivers just looking at it.

What I find most ironic, however, is that the "Don't Smoking" sign is on an extinguisher. It must come as quite an ironic blow to be in desperate need of a fire retardant, and then have a smug warning not to smoke plastered across the container. Thanks for the advice. I guess someone figured that anyone who accidentally set fire to his or her house with a lit cigarette and then read this label would be sure to remember the dangers of smoking in the future.

Finally, and I'm still trying to decipher this one, is the fuel drum with the rather enigmatic message: Faster You Foot.

Something, I hope, has been lost in translation.

Now, in its most literal sense, it would seem to be indicating the importance of increasing one's speed. Maybe it's trying to tell people to move away quickly. Heck, if I saw a fuel drum next to a towering inferno, I'd be footing it pretty faster myself. Still, I'm not entirely content with this reading. After all, haste makes waste, and it seems unwise to tell people to move around more quickly with explosives present. Rather, I'm inclined to think "Faster you foot" is some kind of very subtle reconception of "Watch your step."

Or maybe it was unclear directions like these that led to the ill-fated disaster to which Mr. Fire Rescue has been summoned.

I guess you are supposed to play Fire Rescue without actually playing with fire, but it doesn't seem nearly as fun. Even though most firefighter toys are meant to encourage children to pass up futures as business men, doctors, and lawyers in favor of civic duty, this particular Special Designed Fire Rescue "future pyro" written all over it. Just look at the crazed face and tell me it isn't going to mess with a developing psyche.

While the "Don't Smoking" and "Faster You Foot" accessories can provide hours of entertaining conversation, this toy has little to offer other than being some kind of helpless extra when Spider-man has to rush into the towering inferno to rescue a Bratz doll.