 Charlie Clone |
Welcome to Charlie Clone's All Action Figure Revue at SWAFT.info! I'm your host, Charlie Clone! |
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In a time of chivalry and honor... In a time of blade and shield... In a time of dollar stores and money to burn... My Kingdom Knight rides on a daring quest of
adventure and cheap plastic. I snagged this little medieval
warrior for the usual dollar at a so-called "Dollar King." I'm not
entirely sure that is the best name for a dollar store. When a store is
named "X" King, "X" should be the product they sell. For instance, you
go to Burger King and expect to buy burgers. You don't go to Burger
King and expect to buy items by using grilled beef patties as a form of
currency. Dollar King sounds like he should be some kind of investment
banker. Really, the store should be
called "Cheapy Stuff King." This particular cheapy thing
comes from a company called Cyber Kidz International, and is located in
New York, NY 1001. The toy itself was Made in China. Don't ask me why
the company calls itself "Cyber Kidz." The toy has nothing whatsoever
to do with the internet, and they aren't exactly easy to find on this
newfangled Internet. I should warn you that confusing names are going
to be a theme through the next several paragraphs. This toy does pose a choking
hazard is not for children
under three years. They sell Little People for those kids. Got it? |
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CONCEPT:
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Essentially, My Kingdom Knight looks like a poor man’s Playmobil knight toy. This guy is a little less proportionate than even the highly-stylized Playmobil figure, but he could certainly fit in as some kind of big-boned, half-visigoth cousin. I’m not exactly sure what defines this as a “My Kingdom Knight.” Is the possessive “my” supposed to be modifying “kingdom” or “knight?” Does the knight profess allegiance to some imaginatively constructed kingdom over which I get to claim intellectual ownership? Or does “my” merely indicate that I can claim a right to this knight who hails from some vague, undefined monarchical state? Or maybe I’m not supposed to read “My” as the possessive adjective at all. It could be that “My” is the name of some obscure Nordic tribe found in the Kalevala...making him a Knight of the Kingdom of My. (Are its inhabitants Myans?) Identity politics aside, it’s a knight...and knights are cool. And what makes knights cool? Freaking battle armor, man! And capes and swords and wearing metal pointy things all over their bodies! Big goofy feathers in their helmets, not so much. But who is going to tell that to a guy carrying a big ol’ sword and who kills people for a living? The other cool thing about armor is that it successfully reinscribes a knight’s identity. Seriously. Look at this little dude without his armor on. Does he look remotely threatening? Without his armor, he’s just some wimpy aristocrat who probably spends most of his days exploiting his serfs and kissing up to royalty in hopes of securing a royal marriage...or at least a marriage with someone with as few smallpox scars as possible. But stick some armor and drop down his helmet’s visor...and shazaam! This mild-mannered, pampered nobility instantly looks like he could take on ferocious fire-breathing dragons or easily crush a peasant’s revolt!
Imaginary hegemony. That’s why kids will always want to play with knights. |
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ACCESSORIES:
As I’ve already mentioned, My Kingdom Knight comes with a removable helmet, sword, cape, and shield. There were a variety of helmets, although the one featured here is topped with a Rock-a-doodle style plume. “I am Sir Gallo de Rojo, Knight of the Red Rooster!” The visor looks like it might be upside down to me, since the grill is on the bottom, but the visor only covers the top half of his face, and the bolts below the visor line up with bolts along the bottom ridge of the helmet...so I guess that’s the way it was meant to be. But I can barely tell a salet from a polyene, so who am I to judge?
The sword is pretty cool for this kind of toy. It could easily be some kind of “Power Sword” or “Sword of the Ancients” or some other RPG-sounding edged-weapon. It has little pointy flairs at the handle, and some relief work along the blade...perfect for making that subtle fashion statement while skewering your rival. The shield even has a complicated design on it, although the only thing I can make is the image of a sword. It might be emblazoned on a crown of some sort...I’m not really sure. It’s some kind of post-modern abstract heraldry designed to confuse and distract and interpretive-minded foe.
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FEATURES: The cardback professes that this toy offers “interchangeable helmets & weapons” and “movable arms and legs.” I’m not quite sure what the appeal of “interchangeable helmets & weapons” would be. I suppose this means you can mix and match to expand your My Kingdom Knight army building capacity. Other than that, I have a hard time imagining kids having their little knights playing dress-up and sharing their armor pieces: “Oh, my, Gawain, that beaver is simply fetching. You really must let me borrow it on our next quest.” “Only if you let me wear that smashing cape to tonight’s feast, Percival.” As for the self proclaimed “movable arms and legs,” I will concede that they are in fact movable. The only problem is getting them to stay put once you have moved them. I can only really complain about the right arm, which is too loose and always falls down. I suppose I could make him left-handed, and leave him to never effectively shield himself.
The head also features the pit-black Playmobil style beady eyes set freakishly apart on a disturbingly smiling face. Apparently, this guy really likes the idea of dismembering upstart serfs. Still, there s a surprising amount of detailing on the shoulder armor or gardbrace, and his cuisses even have little m’s carved onto them. |
 There were many variations of this toy, but I ultimately opted for the dreaded Red Knight edition, with the red helmet, red breastplate, red cape, and red sword. His arms, legs, and hair are a kind of steel blue. I guess he’s either supposed to be old or one of those anime punks. For some reason, he refuses to wear gauntlets and instead goes to battle with bare hands. Maybe he feels as though gloves reduce his feel for his weaponry, and reduce his accuracy. All of My Kingdom Knights appear to come in French romance European flesh colors.  |
PLAY VALUE:
For this update, I thought I would bring in an expert opinion on the “play value.” Say hello to Charlie Clone, Jr.!
And now for Charlie’s two cents on My Kingdom Knight’s play value:
Well, that was certainly informative...
| Until
next time...
--Charlie Clone |
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And if that wasn’t enough fun, we have an extra special feature...
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Hey, Yo. Got a little something from the big ol’ Easter Thumper this year that ya’ll might like to check out. It’s Megatoys’ Changeable Robot Fighter Plane, and it’s sweeter than the candy it was packaged with. Course, just about anything is sweeter than them Sour Skittles...who wants sour candy any? What’s up with that? Who says “Sourer than candy?” Candy should NOT be sour. If I wanted sour, I’d drink what used to be the milk in my fridge. Anyways, any Transformers fan will flat out see these five jets are just a quick knockoff of all five of the Aerialbots (Silverbolt, Air Raid, Fireflight, Skydive, and Slingshot). Not that these guys are the Aerialbots, even though the picture on the front looks like it’s ripped right off some Transformer box art.
On the box’s backside, Silverbolt is “Commander;” Air Raid is “Warrior;” Slingshot is “Sky Hawk;” Fireflight is “Scout;” and Skydive is “Thunderbolt.” Then, I see all these numbers and stuff, and I’m thinking, those are some intense Tech Specs...but when I go to read ‘em, they ain’t Tech Specs at all. The back of this toy box has got the nutrition info for the candy (M&M’s STR 6 END 3 SPD 8). But it’s pretty weak, ‘cause there’s info on more kinds of candy than are actually in the package. What’s that about? It’s like saying, “You would be eating this much sugar, if we actually gave you that much candy. But we didn’t, so Happy Easter, kid!”
On the front, though, things get a little crazy...the front ID’s Silverbolt as “Warrior” and Fireflight as “Commander.” Weird, yo. Then you get to Skydive as “Strategist.” Air Raid gets nothing, but Slingshot is “Aidedecamp.” What the heck is that supposed to mean? That ain’t even English, is it? Googling the thing tells me it’s some kind of personal go-fer to bigwigs like generals, but I’m tellin’ you, I don’t want no job with no pansy Frenchified name like “aidedecamp.” What’s he do...go get the Commander a latte while everybody else is clobberin’ bad guys? Uh-huh. No, sir. Not for me. What kid wants to play with some glorified military secretary, tell me that, huh? I’m guessing either somethin’ was lost in translation, or the graphic designer was some History Channel nerd and had a big laugh. But all that funny European talk aside, for ten bucks, who can pass up bootlegs of five classic Transformers, and seven packs of sugar? I ain’t gonna lie to ya’ll. These figs look a lot better in their vehicle modes...but when ain’t that been the case with transforming robot toys? Nah. I ain’t gonna complain too much on that front, ya hear? But all of their faces are pretty messed up. All blurry and hard to make out. Like they totally got their clocks cleaned by an angry mob of Stunticons. Who really needs to look at their faces anyway, though, when the real payoff is sticking them together to make one big, bad, Superion bootleg. And the Superion mode is cool enough. Maybe a little top heavy. The robot modes are looking pretty flat too, without any stickers or nothing. If ya’ll are desperate, I guess ya could just buy some repro stickers here: http://www.reprolabels.com/Autobots/superion.asp (but it’ll cost ya 17 dollars more). There’s no pistols for these bots, neither, ‘cept the big one. I also wouldn’t go transforming these guys too often or they’ll be “battle-damaged” casualties pretty quick.
And what’s with the warning labels? “Warning! Bamboo basket is for decorative purpose only. IT IS NOT A TOY. It may contain sharp edges or splinters. Handle with care.” And, let me tell ya, they ain’t lying! Thing pricked me four times. Why the heck are they making Easter Baskets so dangerous for the kids anyway? Are all baskets this unsafe, or is it just the ones for the poor kids who get them pre-wrapped with cheap bootleg toys and two bucks worth of candy? So...if you want the G1 Aerialbots, go on eBay and drain your Paypal account. If you want a big ol’ Superion on your desk that you don’t care what happens to...buy a Changeable Robot Fighter Plane.
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