Welcome to Charlie Clone's All Action Figure Revue at SWAFT.info!

In the dark, hidden laboratories of Ankyo Development, a revolutionary experiment was underway to create a new hybrid toy. It was to combine children's enduring fascination with extinct monsters with their short-lived interest in wind-up toys. It was to be the king of novelty items...but something went horribly...dreadfully...wrong.

In theory, a wind-up dinosaur should be an instant classic. After all, the wind-up, sparking, dino-dragon-zilla is a novelty icon. So what went wrong?

First, look at the choice of dinosaur: the triceratops. Granted, this is a pretty standard favorite among kids. It's got a bladed shield for a head. It's pretty much the closest you can get to having cyborg body armor in nature. But...it's a herbivore. It's a defensive player. If he weren't extinct and reptillian, you'd pretty much just have a wind-up rhinocerous.

Unless it's an emergency vehicle, a wind-up toy should be an assault unit.

Next, look at the mechanics of this toy. Really, my psychological prototype for a wind-up dinosaur is that it should walk. On a rare occasion, I'll settle for a swimmer...as in the case of a plesiosaur or an icthyosaur. Still, a triceratops should definitely be a peripatetic toy, but this toy's mode of locomotion is entirely wheel-based. Essentially, we're talking about a car with a triceratops shell on top of it. Actually, that could be pretty cool. I could totally imagine a toy pulling off some kind of Twisted Metal-saurus. Unfortunately, in this case, the toy looks more like a Thanksgiving day parade float than paleologically-themed death on wheels.

I would even be willing to concede the wheels if there were some kind of leg motion to at least simulate walking, but this is not the case. As it is, our windasaurs just look like they are frantically slipping across some kind of ice patch or perhaps simulating some prehistorical version of the worm.

Although the packaging has some kind of ferocious looking carnivore lurking behind photoshopped text, I don't think he'll be interested in our pair though. If their horns don't ward him off, they're just being plain weird will. I can only speak for myself, but looking at these guys does nothing for my appetite. Physical awkwardness, evidently, is an effective evolutionary strategy for defense.

FEATURES:

These dinosaurs feature a wind-up knob, wagging tail, bobbing head, wrinkly torso, and wheels on the underbelly and beneath the headpiece (I hear neck-wheels help reduce the appearance of a sagging double-chin).

Each dinosaur also has a unique sculpt. One has longer horns with eyes set further back than the other. It isn't clear if this is supposed to distinguish between male and female. Although the one has elongated cranial protruberances, it also has a pink beak and pink eyes. The other has powder blue highlights. Of course, for all I know, longer horns might be a female trait. Or these could be two entirely different species of ceratopsian. Or, it might be possible that this dinosaur couple is living an alternative lifestyle...(which might offer another explanation as to why they went extinct).

Upon further inspection, even the bodies are different sculpts. The yellow body has three toes on the back legs, while the peach colored body only as two. If you compare the wrinkle patterns, you'll also notice variations. The yellow tail is also more slender and longer than the red tail.

Hey, it's my job to pay attention to these things. Well...not really my "job." It's not like anyone is paying me to write this.

In any event, I find the most disturbing feature of this set to be the flesh color of the one body. It just looks unsettling to me, and I think it could very well trigger episodes of repressed trauma.

If I described these sculpts as highly-stylized, I would perhaps start to lose credibility as a reviewer. At the very least, I can say they are not very accurate...but I'm not entirely sure I would be able to identify them as dinosaurs unless the package told me. They look more like mutant amphibian potato devils.

As for the wind-up feature, my bet is on the redhead, since it is the only dinosaur that seems to function out of the two. (And you know you are in trouble when you have to start using a verb like "function" with a noun like "dinosaur.") I could only get the longhorn to move sporadically by prodding it after it had been wound.

Not working is not a favorable feature.

--Charlie Clone