Welcome to Charlie Clone's All Action Figure Revue at SWAFT.info!

Welcome back to a particularly promising installment of the All Action Figure Revue. Today, we’ll be taking a gander at...and maybe even a gander through...a truly “shady” dollar store toy. Indeed, this is the kind of item that makes sifting through the junk pile really worthwhile.

So read on to find out whether a stunning pair of

Trans-Morpher-Specs

is worth taking to the beach this summer!

With the new Transformers Movie having opened today, what better way is there to celebrate giant killer robots and the glamour of Hollywood than with trans-morphing sunnies?

These Trans-Morpher-Specs were purchased in a Dollar General, made in China, and produced by Toyquest (you can visit them at www.toyquest.com).

Trans-Morpher-Specs are suitable for children over three years old. Also, be sure to keep in mind that “This is a toy not to be used as a safety protective device.” So what is a toy that is meant to be used as a safety protective device, I wonder...

Back in the day, they used to warn kids that toy sunglasses would not protect their eyes from permanent blindness if they looked directly into the sun. I guess they aren’t as worried about that as some disreputable contractor trying to equip a team of immigrant workers with cheap safety goggles. !Ay, Dios mio!

The packaging leaves one a little confused. According to the product name, I’m looking at “Trans-Morphing-Specs.” The noun in that name is “Specs” (short for spectacles, for those of you who wear contact lenses and aren’t hip on four-eye slang, also known as 4sp33k). This would seem to suggest that the toy is, by its ontological nature, a pair of sunglasses that happen to turn into a robot. Further down, however, text reads “ARTICULATED TRANSFORMING ROBOTS YOU DISGUISE AS SUNGLASSES.” Essentially, a child is stuck facing the problem that Tom Hanks recognizes in the movie Big. Are we dealing with sunglasses that turn into a robot or a robot that turns into sunglasses?

But far more disturbing than such a high-falutin’ philosophical question, one must question this toy’s concept on a far more fundamental question: What is the point of having transforming sunglasses?

Is it supposed to let kids sneak their robot toys into schools that have anti-toy robot regulations?

“Billy, are you playing with a toy robot?”

Flip-flip-flip.

“Not at all, Mrs. Booblinski...I was...uh...just cleaning my sunglasses...yeah...that’s the ticket! Cleaning my sunglasses!”

Or maybe it’s more educational. Maybe you have a kid who doesn’t want to wear his glasses, or who doesn’t care about proper eye healthcare. Some kids might think, “If only my glasses could transform into a robot, I’d wear them all the time that I wasn’t playing with them!” These are probably also kids who wear pocket protectors and keep their pants hiked up at least three inches above their navels...so they probably won’t notice that much of an increase in schoolyard pummeling when they show up wearing this highly-transformable fashion disaster.

But really...what’s the point of giving your kid sunglasses to protect his eyes if he is just going to take them off the second his Autobots need back up on the front lawn anyway?

Which brings us to an analysis of this toy’s effectiveness in an imaginary realm. Even if the sunglasses didn’t look like a robot that had undergone some kind of cruel medieval form of execution, they are pretty much the most conspicuous disguise I’ve ever seen. They don’t exactly cause the wearer to blend seamlessly into his or her surroundings, that’s for sure. Seriously...when the robot was picking an alternate mode, was it watching an Elton John concert?

And it still leaves unanswered the one-dollar question, why sunglasses?

Sure, there were a lot of Transformers who turned into fairly innocuous-looking objects. Soundwave and Blaster turned into now obsolete tape-decks...and were accompanied by a host of cassettes. It took three Transformers to turn into a single 35mm camera. But one always had the sense that these modes somehow related to the robots’ functions prior to coming to Earth. Soundwave and Blaster were communications specialists; Reflector (the camera) did reconnaissance work. If this Sunglass Robot were a bona fide Transformer, would we be expected to think that the was some kind of cybernetic ophthalmologist?

Of course, there’s no reason that he has to be an alien robot disguised on Earth. Maybe a completely terrestrial government developed Trans-Morpher-Specs as some kind of James Bond-esque espionage technology. I don’t think Mr. Bond would be quite as successful with the ladies if he sported these particular shades, but I guess it might be handy to be able to possess  eyewear that could turn into a sidekick if you were caught in a pinch.

“Oh no...We’re tied up and being dropped by a crane into a vat of hydrochloric acid...It’s all up to you to find the controls and get us out of here, Trans-Morpher-Specs! Wait...where are you going? Get back here, you cowardly optical device!”

In any event, sunglasses just seem somehow very inappropriate for a transforming robot to turn into. Granted, the Transformers now have Nike sneakers that turn into Optimus Prime and Megatron...but I think that just proves my point. We just don’t expect robots to turn into clothing and/or fashion accessories.

So, is Trans-Morpher-Specs' flagrant disregard for our expectations the greatest flaw of his disguise...or is transforming into that which we least expect actually its the greatest strength?

You’ll have to answer that one on your own.

You can’t expect me to do all the thinking for you.

I'm not trying to run a cult here.

Not yet, at least.

The packaging design is rather fancy. It’s die-cut and has lots of mechanical looking elements on it. It’s also worth noting that all of the images of the sunglasses make them look downright menacing...except for the photo where they are on the face of an actual child. Then they make him look like he is impersonating his 75-year-old grandmother. Or Elton John. The package images also show the toy with significantly more paint-applications than the product I purchased...

FEATURES:

The Trans-Morpher-Specs I purchased have opaque blue plastic for the frames and John Lenon-style translucent blue plastic lenses (considering his legs also look like bell-bottom flares, he would appear to be a child of the 60s). There are three colors of paint applied to the head and torso (black, yellow, and silver), but the arms and legs are bereft of supplementary pigment.

This is the only model I saw, although the packaging repeatedly insists that I must “Collect them all!” which would imply that there are other variations somewhere in the wild.

As mentioned before, the packaging describes the TMS as being an “articulated transforming robot.” That is perhaps overstating things just a bit. The only real articulation he possesses is the ability to swing his arms side-to-side like a robot monkey, which is great if his enemies are trying to flank him, but it leaves him somewhat vulnerable to a head-on attack.

As you might expect, he’s very, very flat. Existing primarily on two-dimensions does significantly hinder his stability, but his feet are wide enough that he is just capable of standing erect. The sculpt attempts to create an illusion of greater depth, especially on his legs...but the effect is more as though he’s been squashed between the pages of a very long Victorian novel. Considering he turns into a pair of glasses, that actually might figure into his backstory...

“Accidentally fallen from the face of a robotics expert decades ago, Trans-Morpher-Specs lay between the pages of a dissertation on cybernetics...until one day he was discovered by an unlikely group of school kids on a field trip to the library.”

If anyone ever wants to make a line of transforming robot that turn into variously-flavored pancakes, they should get in touch with ToyQuest immediately.

That being said, the most prodigious part of the toy appears to be his cod-piece.

Just sayin’.

And is it just me or do most transforming robot toys look like they are wearing briefs? Look for it the next time you pick up a real Transformer. You’ll see what I’m talking about.

Designing a toy that can look like a robot and a pair of sunglasses is a daunting task, and the people at ToyQuest make an admirable attempt. The robot’s legs make for logical enough arms on the glasses, while the robot’s head, shoulders, and remaining appendages serve as rims. Two strips of rim plastic make up the center of the torso, with the clear blue lens filling out his sides. This is perhaps what most detracts from the robot mode, since he ends up looking like a very skinny robot. It might have been better if the lens had a frame all the way around or if the rims completely encapsulated the lenses in the robot mode.

Is it sad that, as a full grown clone, I sit and contemplate ways to improve on the design of dollar store toys?

I should probably say something about the transformation process. You split the robot in half and flip back the legs. Very efficient. A four-year-old could probably transform him by accident, if they didn't eat him first.

I will give the designers credit for not having his face split in half, thus avoiding an unsightly seam running straight through the middle. Instead, the face splits along some natural contour lines. Somebody was thinking on that one.

However, the general awkwardness of the project overwhelms any aesthetic merit of its appearance...leaving one with a toy that doesn’t look like a believable robot or a believable pair of sun-glasses...unless, perhaps, worn by the aforementioned Elton John...but I only partially believe Elton John actually exists anyway, so I'm still incredulous.

Part of the problem in the glasses mode is that most of the robot features are visible. Out of context, they don’t look so much like robot body parts as they do really freaky horn-rims, but I wonder why the designers didn’t simply make the toy to flip around so that the robot design faced in and some other, more plausible design, faced out. The legs do, in fact, have the sculpted side facing in...which might leave some very strange impressions on a child’s temples, but they still don’t look particularly convincing. I guess it would have been too much cost to sculpt both sides of the toy.

The lenses themselves are extremely translucent. They aren’t so much sunglasses as just “give-a-faint-milky-blue-tint-to-the-world” glasses. I suppose that’s all the better, because you don’t want to obstruct a kid’s vision when he is about to get punched in the nose by a bully...and wearing Trans-Morpher-Specs in public is pretty much the equivalent of wearing a kick-me sign on your face.

While they might give you a sense of what it is like to have cataracts, they won’t block out excessive sunlight.

Double-Dome
Function: Spy

“It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.”

Double Dome might be too smart for his own good. His immense store of knowledge and trivia makes him a brilliant analyst and spy, but it also often grates on the neural circuitry of his comrades. Prefers working alone in the field, although he is often partnered with other agents who benefit from his array of optical sensors. In optics-mode, Double-Dome can enable his wearer to see through a wide spectrum of light and energy forms, such as x-ray, infrared, ultraviolet, and others. His lenses can also project images and text to the wearer or externally as a hologram. He can shoot a low-powered laser through his lens in robot mode.

--Charlie Clone