 Charlie Clone |
Welcome to Charlie Clone's All Action Figure Revue at SWAFT.info! I'm your host, Charlie Clone! |
| Welcome
back for another round of action figures critiquing action figures. That's all kinds of meta-weird, huh? Up for review today is DINOSAURS: 13-Piece Skeleton Model. Like most toys today, it was made in Communist China under dubious labor conditions. It is distributed by the uncanny innovative storage designs, based in mystical Mequon, WI. You can call them at 1-866-473-3453. It was acquired for a dollar, plus tax, at Target after another failed and frustrating attempt to locate Commander Cody. This Dinosaurs toy is not for kids under three years of age. It has small parts, and skeleton toys could freak them out for life. |
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CONCEPT: First, I'm not even sure this toy should technically be allowed in an "All Action Figure Revue" since the package clearly labels it as a "model." However, in addition to the thirteen skeletal pieces, the set also includes a small rubber dinosaur, and we all know kids are going to spend most of their time playing with that once they get tired of trying to reassemble their fossilized friend. The particular dinosaur I acquired was the Deinonychus. |
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This caused for some minor disappointment
because I was pretty darned sure that I was buying a Velociraptor (although, according
to the armchair encyclopedists over at Wikipedia, my error may have
been due to the fact that the Velociraptors
in Jurassic Park were based confusedly on Deinonychus). Anyway, I'd much
rather have ended up with a Deinonychus
than the unfortunately named Utahraptor...the
only dinosaur known to have evolved a ridiculous name as a form of
camouflage.
A little black-and-white foldout provides Deinonychus's
paleontological equivalent of tech specs. To me, this seems like it was
a missed opportunity. The boys over at innovative
storage designs were not particularly innovative on this one.
Instead of conjecturing stats on his endurance, rank, and firepower, we
get fairly useless dino-trivia like the fact that he lived in England
and ate
other dinosaurs. "I say, old chum, what I meant was that we were having
YOU for dinner! Jolly good one, eh?"
Anyway, this thing has learning toy written all over it. Of course, it's totally setting up kids for a fall later in life when they find out that paleontologists almost never reconstruct big dinosaurs from complete skeletons...and the parts they do uncover never have conveniently marked slots and tabs.
From the foldout, it looks like there are about twelve different dinosaurs you can buy, but the bags are unmarked. You'll have to bring a twelve year old to identify which dinosaur is in the baggie if you are looking for a particular species.Unfortunately, any scientific education your child receives will come at the expense of his or her English skills since the foldout makes little sense and uses awkward verbs and phrases such as "joint the front and back spines", "install the jaw", and "living time." Maybe this was acceptable English in the Cretaceous period, but not anymore, buddy. Alas, the sciences and the humanities shun each other once again.
ACCESSORIES:
Well, you get thirteen skeletal remains, a rubber dinosaur, a palm tree, and a handout. There aren't a lot of frills in the accessories department.
I'm not exactly sure why they bothered to include a palm tree, since Deinonychus is a carnivore.
Maybe he's supposed to be using it as bait to lure some scrumptuous sauropod.
Or maybe you are supposed to pretend he's the sole survivor of a shipwreck, sitting alone on an island, waiting for someone to pick him up.
Maybe he's decorating for a luau-themed barbaque.
At the very least, I've found that wedging the rubber Deinonychus's tail between the branches helps him to stand.
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FEATURES: Once constructed, the skeleton has a surprising amount of articulation. Its head is ball jointed, and it's mouth can open and close. It doesn't stand very well, but how many skeletons really do, to be honest? There does seem to be a slight problem of scale, however. The skeleton is vastly larger than the rubber dinosaur. |
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Pedagogically, I'm not quite sure what innovative storage designs was driving at. Perhaps it is some kind of environmental science metaphor suggesting that death and extinction looms over life.
Actually, I've just realized the genius behind this product. Give your kid a bag full of plastic bones, and you'll be excavating toy fossils out from seat cushions for the next year. What a devious plot by innovative storage designs! Convince parents to buy "educational" toys that cause a mess, and parents eventually will have to buy a storage container to house that toy. I stand corrected! The boys at innovative storage designs are quite innovative indeed!
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PLAY VALUE: While there might be something of a puzzle aspect to this toy, I'm not sure any kid is going to have a lot of fun assembling, disassembling, and then reassembling a thirteen piece dinosaur skeleton. Frankly, if your kid spends more than ten minutes putting together and then taking apart a toy version of a dead animal, you should get him psychiatric help. That's just weird. The Deinonychus itself is a little too small to pose much of a threat to 3.75" figures like me. The worst it can do is nip my kneecaps. Maybe if there were like a dozen of these things, I'd be in trouble. Or if it had a machine-gun mounted to its back. The assembled skeleton could make a pretty
horrifying adversary if you were going to play "The Attack of the
Prehistoric Undead." It also makes a handy prop if you wanted to have a
battle in a museum. You can also just strew bones around for an eerie
landscaping effect, or to recreate krayt dragon stretching across a
desert horizon. |
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| Until next time...
--Charlie Clone |
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