Charlie Clone

Welcome to Charlie Clone's All Action Figure Revue at SWAFT.info! I'm your host, Charlie Clone!

Friends, I am afraid I am about to compromise my integrity. No, I'm not about to review some mainstream regularly-priced action figure...but I am about to cave-in to big business. And I mean really big business. Two of them, in fact. You could call them the Behemoth and Leviathan of franchises. Two corporate entities that, when joining forces, create a Scylla and Charybdis of the business world. I am about to deliver a modest review of a McDonald's Happy Meal toy for Disney's The Wild. I can't personally tell you what overseas hell-pit spawned this collectible. The packaging and labelling only indicates that China manufactured the toy for McDonald's and that Disney owns the copyright. And before you get any funny ideas about my dieting habits, I'd like to point out that this was given to me as a gift. Don't go thinking I walk up to McDonald's counters asking for kiddie toys. Although it should be noted that this toy was actually packaged with a big kids' Mighty Meal, and is only suitable for children over three years of age. The packaging indicates that those with children under three can request special, age-appropriate toys. I wonder what those are...has anyone out there ever actually done this? Anyway, the packaging also includes the ubiquitous warning not to let children play with the plastic bag, and it also dares children with "Do not aim or launch at face. Only use the projectile supplied with this toy."

I have to admit, when I first received this toy, I thought it was advertising Disney's Animal Kingdom theme park. It is actually advertising some movie called The Wild. I had no idea this movie was even coming out, what with the countless other Over the Hedge clones being released summer 2006. It also didn't help that the animals are completely realistic looking. At what point did Disney, a company that has amassed a fortune almost exclusively on infantilistic, hand drawn, cartoon depictions of rodents and water foul, think it was a good idea to make a computer generated movie featuring hyper-realistic looking animals?

Anyway, this is a toy review, not a movie review...but I'm mostly just trying to find ways to eat up space, given the fairly limited amount of things I have to say about this item.

So, the particular toy I received is an alligator (a sewer gator, according to the official movie Website) that comes with a turtle with a wheel on its underside.  When you close the gator's jaw, his tail moves. Thus, if you position the wheeled turtle correctly, the alligator dramatically bats it away at a breathtaking speed. I don't know if this is supposed to recreate some scene from the movie, or what. I mean, is this some kind of sewer-dweller sport like turtle bowling? Is the alligator using the turtle as a long-range missile to stun distant prey before it can swim up and crush it in its sizable jaws?

I would also like to point out that the packaging proves the ultimate superiority and efficiency of the English language over either Spanish or French. In English, the movie is simply The Wild. In Spanish it is Vida Salvaje (which literally translates into Savage Life); and in French, La Vie Sauvage (The Savage Life). "The Wild" conveys a  far deeper literary significance in far fewer words than either of the translated titles. And, personally, I prefer things that are wild and crazy than savage and brutish.

ACCESSORIES:

I suppose the turtle is technically the accessory. It isn't a very exciting one. I mean, it's a turtle. It's like the opposite of exciting. Turtles of the non-mutant variety are so slow and boring that it takes an alligator sadistically slapping them with its tail to make them even remotely amusing as action toys. Oh, well.

FEATURES: The moving jaws and tail are actually pretty cool features if you want to have this alligator attack some 3.75" figures. Also, because the alligator possesses such detailed verisimilitude, it will fit in nicely with your G.I.Joe jungle mission or swamp adventure. The mechanics of the tail do detract a bit from its realism, but at least the toy has two-tone body colors and a touch of paint to the eyes and tongue. There is no articulation other than the jaws and tail...but really, how many poses did you want from an alligator? Although the turtle's face and shell have some intricate detail, its pose is pretty lame, with its feet splayed out in the air. Is the turtle happy to be smacked around by this gator? Is this some kind of kinky S&M relationship?

PLAY VALUE:

The action feature will certainly make him a foe to contend with, but I can't imagine a kid spending very long on the "alligator-attack" sequence. It might be mildly amusing to use the turtle to bowl over figures, but, unless someone straps some explosives to his shell, I can't imagine he's going to pose much of a threat.

Unless your child has a particular affinity for aquatic reptiles, this toy is going to quickly end up in the same pile of toys as the rubber lizards and bag o' barnyard animals. It is a pretty cool alligator, though. It's certainly far cooler than that ridiculously goofy looking crocodile that Hasbro packaged with their Valor vs. Venom version of Croc Master.